There’s no problem with waiting until marriage for sexual intimacy. The Bible says so and believing Christians should do so.
There is a problem with waiting until marriage to have “sex talk.” I didn’t say dirty talk. I said sex talk. A lot of young Christians go on their honeymoon and to their wedding bed not knowing what on earth to do. I don’t think many Christians would be surprised to hear it’s not unusual for more than a few married Christians to wonder if their marriage is missing something sexually. [I learned this listening to the Joni Show.] With no previous experience, they have no yardstick to measure, but they have doubts about what’s going on in their bedroom.
Can I suggest to couples, if you’re not adult enough to talk about your sexual expectations, you might not be adult enough for marriage?
Unless couples are cloistered, in this age of over-the-top television and movies, even without any carnal knowledge, couples getting ready for marriage have some idea of what goes on in the married bedroom. So, why not talk about it? Frankly, even before over-exposed media, most couples understood the fundamentals. Anyone who grew up on a farm certainly knew.
What is physically sexually appealing about your partner? Talk about it. What is not sexually appealing? Oh, maybe that’s when a woman doesn’t shave her legs. You’d be surprised to find out how many married women don’t shave their legs unless they know they’re going to be seen out in a dress or skirt. Yes, only if they’re going out. That means hubby is seeing their hairy legs and that might be a huge turn off to him. What about if the husband decides to grow a beard and the wife finds it scratchy when the kissing starts? These are things that should be talked about when the serious discussions about marriage start. Not a good idea to wait until the night before the wedding.
Do you expect your partner to be toned and/or buff and to keep that up? If so, say so during dating. Don’t wait until the first child arrives to tell your wife you expect her to be in better shape. You might get a dirty diaper thrown at you. It’s incorrect to think Christians don’t have these expectations. It might be the wife telling her husband to get rid of his “love handles.” Listen, can we talk? If flab is a turn off to you, discuss it before the engagement. Oh, so you’re thinking that as a Christian you should be above letting a little thing like physical appearance turn you off. News flash, it is physical appearance that is the turn on. Oh, and sense of humor, that lilt in your partner’s laugh, and other ethereal things.
Do you have a fantasy you’ve never shared? She wants to feel like a princess with a rose on her pillow and gallant love talk. She thinks he’ll feel that’s weird or sissified and won’t want to do it. Tell him about it and maybe he’ll think it’s great. He has this little fantasy he’s afraid to share because he thinks she’ll think he’s a reprobate. Tell her. First of all, it’s the real you and she should know. Secondly, she might not think it’s off the chart. Or she may say it gonna take a little tweaking (that’s tweaking, not twerking), but she’ll try it.
Widowed and divorced Christians do have sexual experience and real sexual preferences. It’s really important to talk about this when the relationship begins to move toward seriousness.
What about letting your partner undress you? How about bathing or showering together in a romantic/sexual way? Do you crave eating strawberries with whipped cream in bed? Why not talk about feisty-sex. How feisty is feisty? When does it get scary, too rough? Can it be kinda-rough and still be romantic? Does this include getting bossy? Just because he’s the Christian head of the woman doesn’t mean the husband can be sexually bossy! He’s to love his wife as Christ loved the church…and that includes in the bedroom. Especially In the bedroom.